This little one—me—carried within her the seed of a mother.
Our grandmothers whispered the possibility of us
Sparked from Divine Mother, born of her earthly mother—this little one was born from an egg produced when her mother was but a 4-month fetus within her grandmother’s womb.
She always knew she would be a mother. There was an inevitability to it.
As a child, I knew there would be three, or I spoke three children into existence.
Motherhood, for me, is one of the truest, rawest, most devoted things I have ever done. It was part of what I came here to do.
It’s not about losing myself through the kids, but finding deeper aspects of myself all the time. Staying true to my heart’s callings, even when it’s inconvenient and goes against the senseless sense of society.
Motherhood has continually fine tuned my ability to—not only hear/sense my next step but more importantly—listen and follow through (…eventually. Yes, I procrastinate too).
Remember, you get to choose
All of life is a series of learning to compromise. Really, that means to prioritize.
We often talk of our lives as a series of sacrifices, like martyrs.
But we get to choose. You have choice. Choose wisely.
You can’t choose wisely on the level of mind only. The intellect must be corrected and attuned, and the innermost compass of the heart heard and adhered.
What you focus on you grow. How you spend your attention is how you spend your life.
What do you truly want to tend? Prioritize that, not like a martyr or piece of fluff blown on the wind, but like the sincere, confident author and artist of the masterpiece that is your life.
To be transparent, I’m learning to claim confidence; I’m figuring it all out as I go. But let’s be real, we can figure things out as we go, confidently. We can course change, mind change, life change while still holding a deep trust in ourselves and in all that is.
This past month, I have had to got to compromise on some things that I really wanted to do.
I chose what was right for my kids, not because it was best for them, but because it was right for me.
It takes clear seeing and zooming out a bit to get that one outta blur.
Knowing what feels unknowable
I can’t think of motherhood without blessing my own mother.
In absence and longing, she has been one of my greatest teachers. I was so tied up in wanting what I didn’t have for so long that I was unable to appreciate, sense, or know her. I was 14 when she left her body at 42—after her being sick for some downright formative years.
For much of that time, I was disallowed being in her presence—the only place I really wanted to be. I comprehend it now in ways I couldn’t have then. In a way, she needed to channel all her love and grief into herself.
Looking outward at her children—the void she was leaving, the responsibility she could not assume and the guilt for not assuming it—caused too much heartbreak in the depths of an already breaking heart.
Plus I had this nervous system habit of being so whelmed with happiness to be around her when she was feeling somewhat well that, when I was taken away, I’d go into fits of puking. (Aw, my little love.) There’s a poetic sense here since her barf bowl was such a central pivot in our lives.
Compassion + choice
Choice. Dear one, if you are reading this. You are here. You get to be here.
You get to know the ache and the joy, the dark and the light, the blood and the tears of what it feels like to be baptized in Love.
Don’t waste it. Tend to what’s true. Love, appreciate, and share your truest self.
I love you on this mother’s day and always.
Heather
Beautiful share. Thank you 🙏