The secret code I wish I believed sooner

& it's never too late

This morning was my new California typical.

Meditate & practice in the treehouse before the sun crests the rooftops. Climb down the ladder precariously balancing my coffee cup and journal upon the rungs.

But this morning, my oldest is walking by the base of the tree—with only a little eye-roll at me enthusiastically asking for help—on his way to feed the chickens. Rowan wears whatever shoes he finds first, has ruined pairs of my shoes by walking on their folded-down heels, and apparently he gets this from me. Today he’s wearing his dad’s shoes, which are still too big, and it’s not lost on me that I’m wearing Rowan’s year’s old shoes, which remain surprisingly big.

I see from the glass door that the littles are awake on separate couches, both buried in their individual blankets. Minutes later, they are on the same couch playing this little piggy and trying to recall the words. “You missed a toe.” Giggle giggle.

I’ve been gestating for months and not quite sure what new adventure is birthing this time. I’d like to have a clearer picture. & yet, as the flying ants swirl, males living a full life in but a week or two, my yearning blooms to burst. It’s all right here, just right here.

Tear-drop wings litter the table like a dusting of snow. By noon, the wings have sailed on the wind without a trace.

Everything in its time, nothing before its time. Never born and never die. My teacher’s words sing a little inside.

For I am that royal falcon, soaring with + within the Mother of all mothers.

I get to live this life with full support (sometimes even waxing to admiration) from my family, surrounded by wise beings, and honoring everything that comes my way as my spiritual practice and play.

It wasn’t always like this. I used to complain and woe myself up for being the moneymaker, esp since this has come in the form and judgment mediocre of ‘working for the man.’ I earn money. My husband grows the money, just as we have grown the family, together. We have been devoted to creating the masterpiece that is our life—adventure & beauty, growth & learning—in our own unique and complementary ways.

Two whole beings come together; they need not be or act the same. Mutual appreciation is the secret code. And it all begins with self-appreciation. It is true what they say, you cannot love another, when you do not love yourself.

It’s idyllic, just as the breeze through the California buckeye fragrant phallic flowers. It’s sublime, this morning as all days are when seen through the eyes of wonder.

It wasn’t always like this. I used to scream—pressure valve release. I wanted more than anything to be able to regulate my emotions, transmute my traumas, + by Grace, oh please, not pass them on. I was that mama of young children, working full time, homebirthing (after a cesarean), extended breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, plastic-free, clean eating, natural cleaning, summiting mountains with babies on my back, increasingly questioning the status quo while trying really hard to get it all right, and feeling really (arrogantly) right about it.

I taught myself to knit and sew, we grew loads of vegetables, we painted and decorated homes, I made Waldorf dolls from scratch, birthday crowns, and birthday bunting. I read all about child development, discipline, and connection on my long bart rides to the office. I loved all these things. But I was often on the brink. Stuck in the loop of unworthiness, I was still trying to prove myself worthy of love, acceptance, worthy of existing at all.

Attending a yoga class here and there on the weekends (it’s always been hard for me to leave my family), everything would feel good and fine, until the stress of being home again hit. I felt the weight of the world was on me, that I had to do it all, and that I was doing it alone.

This is so far from the truth.

Little t truth—I was the least alone in our home.
Capital T Truth—we are never, never, ever ever going it alone.

But we don’t always have they eyes to see. Vision must be cultivated, and the mind mastered.

In order to see clearly, we have to build that consistent daily connection to Source. A regular yoga asana class is not going to give you that experience consistently. But slowing down and linking breath with movement does create a clearing for insight to flow through and a dawning memory of what it feels like when nothing is wrong. We live in a time where we are assaulted with everything that is wrong, it’s easy to believe and fall into that trap. So developing memories of what ‘everything is just right’ feels like in the body is an important step.

Sat chit ananda: truth, unbridled consciousness, bliss. This is our natural state, the clearing where we sink into ourselves and discover truly: Life is happening for us, not to us. As we further clear and cleanse the channel of our human vessel, we become a conduit for Life to move through us.

The aims at perfection, the arrogance of being right as armor against the fear of being wrong and hence not worthy, the incessant drive to please at all costs just to be liked and prove yourself lovable, the voice that says work harder, consume more, know it all, be on the ‘right’ side, the addiction to distraction, and constant fragmentation of mind, body, spirit—it all drops when you make contact with who you are.

Not who you could be later. Not who you were as a baby or a few weeks ago. Not what happened to you or didn’t happen to you or where you come from or where you didn’t come from. The core Divine essence of who. you. are.

This is a bridge you have to build yourself. Nobody can have this experience for you. Though, we can offer practices and wisdom to guide you, it requires your own daily commitment to yourself—you as the co-Creator of your life, connecting back in to the Source from whence you came, through which you are sustained, and unto which you will return.

From a practical perspective, how do we begin?

If you’re feeling bogged down & cloudy, take some time today to delete the fear porn, for you become what you consume (even + especially passively).

Wherever you are, call in what you are grateful for in this moment. Get into a habit of writing it down. Start small. 3 words. Morning. Night.

Plant it as a seed.
You reap what you sow.
Laws of nature can't be broken.

What are you planting in the garden of your life? What are you tending with your attention? What you tend, attend, pay attention to, becomes you.

The seeds you plant become the fruit you bear. That’s what you radiate out. That’s what people feel in your presence.

It doesn’t matter what words you use, what makeup, what possessions or persuasions.

You, your life, your radiance on the level of energy—speak. Your body language emanates.

It doesn’t matter where you’ve been or what you’ve been identified with, it all begins here.

Tune into the cycle of this breath. Slow it down. Inhale. Exhale.

Start your day like this. Breathing in and out, visualizing that breath move from the heart space.

Love and appreciation begin within. Spend time every day invoking what you you love about yourself—even if you don’t fully believe it yet. Let belief in yourself blossom. It will.

What can you shine your deepest gratitude on right now?

Love,
Heather